Reverse Progress
How it's easy to fall away from goals, and lessons to prevent it from happening
Two weeks ago I made the mistake of telling Maddie, “I can’t remember the last time I was sick.” As soon as the words left my mouth I knew they would be regretted. The next day I was eating eggs for breakfast on the way to class. I felt a crunch and figured a piece of eggshell must have fallen in the pan. Then I felt another crunch. Three bites later I was still getting crunches. I don’t mean to brag, but as someone who has consumed thousands of eggs this year, I’m pretty good at not getting eggshells in my eggs. I realized I was crunching on pieces of salt, but my tastebuds weren’t picking them up.
The symptoms that followed seemed like they were personally curated to bring me to my knees. I had a big scholarship application and two big class projects due at the end of the week on top of the usuals (working out, coaching, and writing). My body decided to succumb to intense brain fog, fatigue, and respiratory infection.
Usually, I look at a busy school calendar and get to work without hesitating. Chipping away at a to-do list is my go-to method for not stressing about the said to-do list, but brain fog and exhaustion made it hard to want to do anything. Scholarship applications are usually my jam– I don’t struggle to think of essay responses. For this application, brain fog made me feel like an idiot. I would stare at a simple question forever without writing a coherent thought. The same thing happened with homework projects.
Little-to-no progress was discouraging so I started procrastinating to avoid feeling dumb. I could drag myself to class, think clearly for an hour or so, and then vegetate all afternoon. Fear over deadlines built, but not enough to get to work. Instead of doing something, literally anything, I napped on the couch, watched 12 hours worth of Lord of the Rings, scrolled on my phone, and occasionally read. My procrastination schedule (working hard for an hour and then not at all) got everything done, but it was low-quality work– work I couldn’t be proud of. At the end of the week, still feeling terrible, all I wanted was to recover so I could live my life again.
At this point, you may be reading or listening asking yourself, “Why does a sob story about being sick matter?” The sickness itself doesn’t, but how it changed my behavior does. After nine days of being out of the gym, not thinking straight, and procrastinating I felt normal but didn’t go back to living my “normal” life.
Once again, this is not a brag, but going to the gym hasn’t been a mental battle for many years. Last summer I had to force myself not to work out so I didn’t overdo it and get injured. On my first day of feeling normal that changed– going to the gym felt like pulling teeth. Watching TV hasn’t been a bad habit of mine since elementary school. If I’m watching anything it’s a ten-minute YouTube video about fitness or politics. Last week, fully healthy, I watched 4 hours worth of documentaries and 5 hours worth of video podcasts.
Usually, I average between 2.5 and 3.5 hours per day of screen time, most of it messaging people or playing a podcast with my screen on. On this weird week, my average screen time was 4.5 hours—about one-third of my waking day—mostly on YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook. I felt fifteen years old again– like I was ruled by lesser impulses.
At this point, October feels like it has flown by because half of it was wasted, one week for a legitimate reason, and the other due to poor self-control. As someone who bases their self-worth on how well I live up to my principles/values (Am I being the person I want to be?), that sucks, a lot. Personal responsibility (i.e. not procrastinating), mental and physical strength (i.e. discipline and fitness), and community (i.e. the CrossFit gym)– went out the window. I learned a lot about my psychology, some of which may be helpful to you. Here are some lessons from going through a major lull.
Positive distractions are still distractions
Last Friday I planned on going to class in the morning, coaching CrossFit in the late afternoon, and working on this podcast in the gaps. After class, my plan went to hell in a handbasket. On the way to class, I started listening to a podcast with Rich Roll and Alex Honnold. Alex Honnold is one of the world’s greatest rock climbers. He’s best known for free-soloing (climbing with no safety equipment) El Capitan. He was on the podcast to promote a new National Geographic documentary about climbing the Devil’s Thumb in Alaska.
After class, instead of writing this podcast, I sat on the couch and finished watching the podcast episode on the TV. The podcast's promotion of the documentary worked because after it was over, I spent the next 90 minutes watching it. The first documentary piqued my interest in Alex Honnold so I watched Free Solo (the one about El Capitan) for two hours.
When Free Solo was over there was only an hour until I had to leave to coach the afternoon CrossFit classes. Feeling sluggish, I strapped on a weight vest and walked a few miles to clear my mind. After the walk, I ate lunch and went to the gym to coach for the rest of the day. Zero thoughts were recorded for a podcast.
Was the day wasted? No. I was a good student in class and a good coach in the gym. Was it successful? Also no. Watching documentaries and walking with a weight vest were better uses of time than scrolling Instagram on the couch, but they were still distractions. The most sinister distractions are those that pretend to be useful while they keep you from doing what matters.
Working on big goals is scary. We risk failure the second we start, but not starting at all guarantees failure. We have to be aware of things that seem beneficial but, in reality, are distractions from our goals. Positive distractions are still distractions.
Interia
Thinking back to high school science class, you may remember Newton’s first law of motion. It states objects in motion tend to stay in motion while objects at rest tend to stay at rest. Changing speed and/or direction takes energy. This concept is summarized in one word– inertia. You can watch inertia at work on a long road trip if your vehicle has an “average fuel economy” gauge. Driving on the open road will improve your fuel economy because you don’t speed up and slow down as often. When you pull into town or get caught in traffic, you can kiss that good gas mileage goodbye with each hard press of the pedals.
Inertia applies to lifestyle and habits the same as average fuel economy. If you want good gas mileage, you have to have the discipline to be easy on the pedals. If you want to create good lasting habits, you have to have the discipline to implement small changes for a long time. One rapid start or stop won’t ruin your average progress, but consistently starting and stopping eats away at any progress.
Getting sick was effectively like slamming on the brakes for nine days and watching old habits be replaced by new bad habits. I learned, that whether my conscious wants it or not, it’s easy to be sedentary and cave to distractions. Choosing to go back to old good habits has been embarrassingly difficult. Inertia is real– if you have something good, keep the ball rolling.
You’re only free to the extent of your own self-mastery
I must admit, reading is one of those positive distractions I’ve been sucked into lately, but some of it has been helpful. One idea from Steven Pressfield’s “The War of Art” hit home given my recent struggles:
“Socrates demonstrated long ago, that the truly free individual is free only to the extent of his own self-mastery. While those who will not govern themselves are condemned to find masters to govern over them.”― Steven Pressfield, The War of Art
By design, my calendar has been more open than ever these past few months. I wanted all the time there was to make podcasts and get fit. For the first 90 days, I used that time to quickly finish school work, dedicate chunks of time to writing, and maintain a consistent gym schedule. For the past 21 days, I’ve had the same amount of open calendar– an adequate amount for all three things– but writing podcasts has gone by the wayside and my gym schedule is less regimented than ever. Lesser impulses have been devouring free time like there’s no tomorrow which begs the question: Is that time truly free anymore? I would argue no.
It’s easy to think of freedom as abundant resources. For many people, being super rich seems like the ultimate freedom– you can buy anything and everything you want. It sounds awesome, but that last sentence is trickier than it seems. “Buy anything and everything” is the easy takeaway, but “you want” is the important part. Imagine you have an unlimited supply of money, but you get so addicted to shopping that it consumes your life. You make so many purchases you buy a warehouse to store your stuff. Eventually, you hire a full-time staff to manage your purchases. You spend so much time buying and admiring belongings that your friends don’t recognize you anymore. You’re free to buy anything and everything, yet a slave to shopping. Materialism became your master.
The same concept applies to time, but even more so because you can’t bank time in a savings account. The only way to truly have so-called “free time” is to have total control of how you spend it. Despite a relatively open calendar, I feel less free now than last spring with an overflowing calendar. I’ve allowed the social media algorithm to govern me. Of course, I can choose to not look at my phone, but as we’ve discussed in prior episodes motivation and willpower don’t always work. Dopamine is a hell of a drug, especially when it’s working against your goals and aspirations.
I believe it’s important to share this story because it’s real. This episode of “Getting Stronger” has been about getting weaker, but it shines a light on why the world can be such a tricky place to navigate. There are roadblocks everywhere. The only way to navigate them is to know where they are so you’re prepared when the going gets tough. Eat an orange, get enough sleep, and keep hammering.
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